Depression

Normally I wouldn’t put this out there for the whole world like this, but the sad loss of Robin Williams, a great icon, and beloved actor made me realize that we are not alone in this battle of aloneness.

My husband found a Ted Talk that we watched together. Andrew Solomon did a spot called Depression, the secret we share.http://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_depression_the_secret_we_share

We had a great conversation afterwards. My husband admitted seeing some of those same signs in me sometimes, but he can’t relate because he just doesn’t have the same internal makeup.

We talked about the difference between satisfaction and happiness, something some go-getter type of people sometimes mistake. There is a satisfying feeling when you accomplish something, and sometimes it’s even stronger when you did it pushing through your depression. But that doesn’t make you happy. You are not happy that the chore is done. You are relieved and satisfied. But it’s not what drives you to complete the tasks. Sometimes people find that they just complete the tasks to keep up appearances to their families or their bosses or coworkers. It’s just to keep the status quo so that no one knows just how bad things are in their head at that moment.

I’ve known many people who have suffered from Depression. And people who’ve suffered from Anxiety. Some of my friends have suffered far more severe levels than mine, while others similar or less. Some have pulled the covers over their heads after the children went off to school, others had anxiety attacks so severe and so often they stayed home and didn’t venture out socially anymore. Some spend days at a time at home alone, not seeing, or talking to a single live person. Never venturing outside even for the mail.

I also can’t help but believe that it is a hereditary issue. I believe that my grandmother may very well have suffered from a form of depression, and dealt with it instead with a bottle of vodka as many who suffer do. Unfortunately that was very common for her generation. Instead of talking about it or addressing any issues she may have had with someone, she internalized it. Her depression was drowned in the bottom of a glass and eventually it cost her everything. It cost her, the relationship she had with her daughters, her grandchildren, her marriages and eventually even her life. She died in her early to mid fifties, and she never made peace with her family.

And I absolutely agree with Andrew Solomon that the current treatment options are archaic and dismal. But they are indeed better than they were fifty years ago when they thought a lobotomy was a good idea!

There is a fabulous book that I read when things get too heavy for me. How to Survive the Loss of a Love is a small, short book written by Peter McWilliams, Harold H. Bloomfield, and Melba Colgrove.

It’s a quick read; some pages have a single sentence on it. Sometimes only a diagram or image to lighten the burden, or a funny or thoughtful quote or poem grace the page. But it helps. It makes me think, it makes me smile, and sometimes that is just the nudge I needed to ground myself and take another step forward.

Therapy is good, medications are even better, but the one thing that really makes a difference is compassion and understanding. When those around us understand us, accept us and support us, we manage to get through the dark times. And then sometimes, even that is not enough. Sometimes the darkness becomes so overwhelming that even knowing that they are loved, and supported, some people just cannot handle living this way any longer. And those souls need our love and acceptance even more.

A great post about this was written by Caleb Wilde, I found it a great blog about how to focus our energy in compassion and not shame. http://www.calebwilde.com/2014/08/grief-shaming-why-some-people-believe-your-grief-over-robin-williams-is-misguided/#.U-wKxY-_hHc.facebook

The last thing that is needed now is finger pointing, harsh judgment, and shaming. If you’ve never experienced it, you can’t relate. And that’s okay. But those who do experience it need your compassion and support more than your opinions and your judgment. And sometimes we just need a hug.